Friday, August 7, 2009

I don't drink...whiners

First of all, if I could take a moment to extend a hearty "fuck off & DIE in bloody frothing convulsions" to the l33t haxors who took it upon themselves to dick with twitter, facebook & today, yahoo. I hope that they are caught & their punishment is as follows: Strap these shit-gobbling whoresons down to a chair & take all of their 'action figures' (cause they get all spitty when you call 'em DOLLS) & all of their computer equipment & destroy it ALL. Open the original packages, thereby ruining the value of all their toys & change all of their WOW characters to either old men, skinny elves or flat-chested women. THEN send them, broken & weeping to jail. It'd be like throwing hamstrung lambs into a pirana tank *sigh* so beautiful....

*ahem* Now on to something completely different: Vampires. What's the big deal? I know people have been puzzling this one out because they're so flipping popular right now. Guys could care less whether a female is a vampire as long as she's got the squishy bits & big tits. To misquote Willie Nelson badly: Men will fall for any trap baited with pussy & that's not gonna change any time soon. So there's boys outta the way, let's get to the female point of view, at least as I see it.

Pro #1: Eternal youth & attractiveness.
Women have always been aware of aging. Granted most of us have a moment & think: "WTF, where did the last 10 years go?!" But women have that underlying worry as to the first wrinkle, grey hair, nagging ache. Whether the current world wants to admit it or not, women are only useful/attractive until they've broken past bearing age. Granted that's further along than it usta be, but there's a reason that plastic surgery & the diet & exercise economy are booming like gangbusters. Vampires do not have this problem as long as they're cautious & don't piss anyone off. Younger girls like the pretty boys because of the androgyny of the clean lines of their bodies/faces. Body hair is so YUCKY & men can be so very hairy *dazed look as I fantasize for a moment about this guy: * What? Huh? *ahem* Sorry. These pretty people are frozen @ the moment they were vamped, turned, taken, whatever the 'in' terminology is. The teenage girl sees older women, & half the time it's not even on a concious knowledge, but they know the underlying worry is there, especially in this day & age. Time marches on & it doesn't give a shit about who it steps on. Name me 3 women who would turn down eternal youth & the looks they had when they were young & I will show you 3 of the biggest liars you've EVER met.
Con #1: Watching your loved ones age & die. Becoming a dartboard for every wanna be Van Helsing who can't mind their own freakin' business. Watching everyone but other vamps age & die. Once your 'eternal beloved' vamps you (that is if he doesn't keep you as his um, blood pudding) he goes from beloved to competition for meals.

Pro #2 Cleanliness:
Lets face it. People between the ages of puberty & dead as a boot can STINK. And some men seem to go out of their way to accrete a stank the likes of which would make a zombie toss its kidneys, or whomsoever's kidneys they've nommed recently, lol. And for women, the monthlies can produce its own range of scents & messes that can make a girl not even want to leave the house. BTW, ladies: do yourself a favor & go buy one of these: you will thank me. The act of consuming food products leaves our mouths stanky, no matter the cleaning choices. The act of discarding waste, both sweating &, well you know...? Bleh. And we as a society in America have made food such a necessary evil that we've made our kith & kin afraid of it, i.e. anorexia & bulemia. We've tweaked & modified our foodstuffs & made it even worse for the human body than it was in the first place, especially meat. The ultimate diet plan: To merely drink your meals? A mere cut or bite, delicately done, and one is fed for a night. No plates to clear, no nasty veins, gristle or thready strands of meat to pick from your jaws. And if you have your own Haustierblutbeutel, you can monitor its feeding habits. Kinda like free range meat, only w/a nookie option *shifty eyes*.
Con #2: Getting a sense of smell so sensitive that garlic is repulsive, which means vamping it up in Italy is right out. Being driven away from prey because their perfume is so powerful it gags other *humans* out let alone you.

Pro #3 Sensuality & talent:
Here I come to a delicate matter, that most fragile of materials: men's egos. I will indulge myself in TMI when I tell you my first lover was SO bad, that I as a virgin knew he was a lousy lay. I have rarely been impressed since. Most of my lovers have given a nice but VERY basic performance. Some have been quite fun. Two were the kind of lover that makes the *neighbors* light a ciggie afterwards. Others got two trips around the mattress & were frankly blown off with extreme prejudice. What? I have a right to be picky, just like someone going out to eat: If the meal sucks, try the place one more time, if it still sucks, go somewhere else *shrug*. Anyway. Imagine a lover that focuses utterly & entirely on you. Your every breath & physical cue observed with the intensity of a predator & the skill of a virtuoso. They will never tell your secret fantasies: "Hi, I'm a vampire & my girlfriend likes blah blah blah!" " that first part past me again?" lol. And every sick little idea that's marched through your head waving a flag? They've done it, probably daily back in the 1800's, when society was REALLY repressed.
Con #3: All humans are boring lays to a vamp that's been cracking hips for @ least 100 years. Realizing that you really ARE literally just a warm body.

So that's my take on the vampire paradigm. Anyone got any different opinions? Discuss. Please note that a mention of the Twilight series, if not well put will be deleted with extreme prejudice. The other two titles I considered for this post: What's bleeding? Gilbert's nape and Bloody Mary? Neat!

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